In Mama's Arms

Have you ever been so worn out that when you finally land in a place that is secure, safe, cozy and familiar, you fall into one of those intensely satisfying levels of sleep; no thought about responsibilities, no worries ahead of you, nothing outside of that moment where you drift off and succumb to the rest?  I remember having those moments of rest where I woke up with no sense of having thought or even movement while I was out.  I see those moments happening when the equation is just right....  you have to be just the right amount of tired without being too exhausted, and you have to know that you can depend on things that are important to you staying secure and safe, and you have to be comfortable... somewhere that your body fits into just right, the temperature is just right, the noise level is just right. 

So, I can't recall a time that's happened to me recently - no surprise there; I'd be hard-pressed to find any parent who gets that trifecta resulting in a satisfying cat nap, right?  But kids.... (well, hopefully, most) kids have one huge component going for them.  They have dependable people who take away the worry from life.  Kids aren't concerned about things like how long its been since the floor has been mopped or the air filter has been changed; they're not worried about the laundry piling up or if the spinach is wilting in the fridge before the expiration date and if so if there is time to return it to the store before said date to prove it; they haven't started thinking about long term finances or short term finances or how many pair of shoes they're going to outgrow this year, and whether or not its a good thing or a bad thing to start organized sports before kindergarten and what other people's opinions are about it. 

And so tonight when my weary-eyed child looked me in the eyes and told me "I don't need to sleep yet, I just want to rest in your arms, Mommy", and when he climbed into my lap and tucked his little body into my arms, I felt like I must be doing something right.  I might not be doing everything right, but in this moment, my son knows where to go to feel secure, and safe, and worry-free, so he can get what he needs.  As I heard his breath go steady and soft and felt the weight of his body settle into sleep in my arms, I silently thanked him for trusting me with this beautiful job and all of the rewards that come with it.  I felt honored to be a safe place for him to land. 

After a while, I also felt like the child-sized stool I was sitting on was taking away from the loveliness of the moment, so I carefully moved him to a more comfortable place and watched him sleep for a few minutes.  He opened his eyes once and started climbing back on my lap, still mostly asleep, and said "Don't ever let me go, Mama". 

"Let you go?", I thought.  "Not a chance". 

I may let go of you when its time to jump into the pool, or let go of your hand when I drop you off at school, and let go of your beautiful curls at your next visit to the barber shop... I'll let go of you sometimes.  But I'll never let you go, Son.... You won't always fit into my arms, but I'll always hold you in my heart and soul; there, is a cozy place you will always be a perfect fit for.