Okay..... break!

One of the interesting things I have found out about myself as a single mom is that I tend to put extra pressure on myself to be better, stronger, more resiliant, more independent, and less selfish than I would sometimes like to be. Because of this, it seems to take me a lot more before I can admit that... hey, I need a break!

Many of my non-single parent friends wonder how I can do it all on my own, without having the partner there to share some of the load, and my response is usually that, though I do the parenting by myself, I ONLY have the raising of my son and our relationship to "manage" (for lack of a better word), and that I do get somewhat of a easy out from the trials and tribulations of relationshiphood.

However true that may be, perhaps I'm learning that the benefit is outweighed, or at least balanced out, by the non-benefits. Never having someone there to tag team when Z is trying my last patience, or having an opportunity to go run errands by myself, or leave the house after 7:30pm to get ice cream when a craving hits once Z is in bed. Living on one income that does not allow for signifigant savings, constantly carrying the burden of financial stress alone, and being the sole bread winner worrying what if something happens to my job or if I get hurt, how will we make it? Not having someone to bounce ideas off of or talk through a parenting question. Feeling like I'm always pulled in so many directions, and not having the energy to deal with much more than the work direction and the mommy direction, and thus feeling like I am losing touch with friends and myself (the non-mommy, individual self).

I have help, if I want it. I have a wonderful group of friends and supportive family that would be happy to babysit or visit on terms that make it easier on myself.... I thought it would take a year or so before I felt like I needed to call on that support system, and it seems to have taken a year and a half before I now feel like I do need it, or that I am close to needing it. I always thought I should make sure I had a break before I got the point of really needing it. Granted, I have had the occasional night off here and there for a planned outing with friends (I'm not counting work travel as a break, though!). But, I think the time has come where I need to start scheduling some "me" time, in advance, so I know that I have a break coming. Right now, without that, I feel a little bit overwhelmed. And when I feel this way, ironically it makes it harder to ask for help.

I love my son more than anything, and being the best mom I can be to him is my priority. I guess I'm learning that part of being the best mom is making sure I take care of myself, too. I am also learning that mommy guilt will come along with every step of that, but I need to keep the higher thought in mind. I knew going into motherhood that I would have a tendancy to focus so much on that aspect of my life, that I may have a hard time getting a holostic approach to my life back, and luckily I have recongnized it now, for my sake and little man's, too.

So, I call breaktime for mommy!