My Time

I don't know if all moms feel the same way I do, and that's okay.  As much as I love to hang on to some good mommy guilt, I've gotten to the point where I realize what I need to be a better mama, and one of those things is "me time". 

Don't get me wrong... I do have to shake off that familiar shadow of guilt from time to time when I'm doing something that doesn't involve Captain Fantastic, like getting a fancy pedicure while he spends time with Tutu, or taking a day trip with girlfriends while he shamelessly charms a babysitter into giving him cookies.  But its getting easier and easier to shake off.  After all, he does need more than just me (as I often remind myself, thanks to the wise words of a very smart friend and single mom). 

And after all, we do spend a lot of time together.

I need time by myself, too.  Its a balance, wanting to spend free time with friends or taking care of things that need to be done, or tapping into the vast world via technology that can be good, but can be incredibly time-sucking (and energy draining) as well.

Ever since Z was a wee little babe, my nights were "my time".  He would go to bed and I would busy myself getting ready for the next day, cleaning up from the day behind us, checking those last few emails of the day, making a phone call or two, reaching out to people, ordering diapers and laundry detergent, and doing whatever other tasks I had to do to keep life reasonably running.  Then, Z would wake up for a late night nursing, and go back to sleep, and the night shifted. 

It felt like the rest of the world was sleeping, and my world just stood still for a while... like secret hours in the day, just for me.  I could pour myself a glass of wine, watch a little TV or veg out online, read, take a bath, write in a journal... whatever.  I needed time.  I've always needed time... and I've always been a night person. 

Over the past few years of mommyhood, I've tried to fight it.  I've forced myself to go to bed earlier, wake up earlier, change my routine.  In the process, I gave up a lot of the things I love as a person.  I did a lot as a mom, and I loved it, but I needed to do non-mom things, too.

My Time is happening now, again... a few stolen hours while my precious boy is soundly sleeping.  Quite hours where my ears slowly begin to hear the quiet noises I make when I'm the only one awake in the house, where the ringing from the noises of a busy day and a child who can make an impressive amount of noise for one person so small. 

I won't lie - I wake up tired every morning and I wonder if I shouldn't give myself a new bedtime.  Its a sacrifice I'm willing to make. And its worth it.... when I hear the first sounds of my little guy waking up and getting ready for his day, I welcome it.  I smile.  I love it.  My ears and my mommy mind were able to recuperate and prepare, they were able to hear purely my choice of sounds for a while, and it was able to unwind and unstack all of the mom thoughts to make room for a fresh new stack. 

Perhaps in a family with two parents, its not the same, because all of those noises and responsibilities and parenting thoughts are shared....  but no matter how many parents are in a family, I've come to believe that every person in our house needs their own time.  Kids seem to naturally take theirs when they need it; an impromptu nap or one of those moments you realize they've been playing quietly (and not destroying something important) in their rooms for an hour.  Parents, it seems, could take a lesson. : )